And I could live without you, but...

«I'm afraid he'll hurt me like you did.» These words had been written four months ago, by the same girl who was crying, right in this second. They were written just a little bit after she had met the boy she liked, directed towards a girl who had already broken her heart.
At the time, Danny had thought of these words as nothing more than just her voicing out an uncontrollable fear; just that. She thought they were just words written down, that they would never be proven correct. However, it had happened.
Just like before, the girl had been broken down, torn to pieces by the one person she thought she could trust enough to never hurt her. It had all started as a misunderstanding, but then it was so much worse.
He had abandoned her, leaving her to fend on her own, all because he thought she wouldn't want to talk to him anymore... She guessed it would be logical, but still; she didn't want to have been left alone.
«I understand why he's done it, momma; I get it, really. I just wish it had been different,» typed the girl, a sigh escaping her lips as she cleaned her tears; there was no use crying now, was there? «I mean, you know how much I liked him, and... how much I still do» continued the girl, a lump in her throat as she thought about what she had agreed to.
After two months away, the boy had come back, and it had left the girl so torn, once again; she hadn't been able to forget him, yet. They had spoken, and they had agreed to say their goodbye, but then he had just... he'd started paying even more attention to her, and eventually told her he missed her.
«He misses me? I'm sure he doesn't know what missing someone truly is... If only he knew...» Said the girl, another sigh passing through her barely open pink lips. «He wants us to be friends... I said it's alright, momma. It might be selfish, but I'd rather be able to still be talking to him, even if just as friends, than not talking at all. Who knows where this can go?»
As these last words escaped her fingers, the girl closed her lips tightly, her eyes following right behind, as she let her head fall to the back of the couch she was sitting in. «I need to stop thinking this. I must realise things between me and him won't be more than just a friendship... but how can I? It feels so good to see him calling me baby...»
Once again, a sigh passed through her, this time escaping her nose as she attempted to control her tears; it would be hard to explain the smeared make-up to her brother, if he happened to walk by the front door. She started nibbling at her bottom lip, her eyes travelling around the room as she tried to get herself back together; she should not let anything affect her, not these days.
«You know what's funny, ma? The funny thing is, now that I can stay up all night to talk to him, things have gone downhill, like this. Or maybe they will go up from this point. I don't even know, mommy. I don't want to overthink, to hope for things that won't happen,» commented the brunette, her lip still caught between her teeth. «I think I'll be writing often, now; I need to let go of all of these stupid feelings.»
When this sentence was written, it brought the girl to another subject, which was still related to the boy in question, but had barely anything that concerned him - her friends. She's had two friends know about her vulnerable state over the boy's return, and both told her to stay away from him, that he was not worth her time, but she had gone against that. She still spoke to him, and, honestly, she thought him worth of her time just as much as she did before... Maybe she forgave people too easily, but that's just who she was, after all.
«As Vee has said, ma, if they're my friends, they should support me, right? I mean, they should understand, even if they don't agree... right?» She questioned, this time worried about what would happen if she told them that she had decided to let herself become a friend of the boy who had broken her heart. «They'll understand that I'm doing this because it's best, because it wasn't completely his fault. They have to. If I don't blame him, they've got no right to.»
Blame. Who was to blame, then? The girl couldn't think of anyone but herself - seriously, she had been to blame for having such strong pathetic feelings at such an early stage, for having been so attached; she had known from the start it could happen, yet she had let herself dive in - it was her fault that she had hit her head, on the fall.
«As long as he's happy, though, ma, I guess I'll be alright; I don't care much for myself, anyway.»

... without you I'll be miserable at best.

I want to be like you.

«I can't do this» the girl wrote, her eyes shiny with unwashed tears. «You see? This is why I don't take compliments, it always gets me sad. Because my subconscious knows that everyone's lying; they're lying, I'm not good enough. Never, ever, good enough.»

The song in the background was supposed to make her feel better, to make her feel beautiful, but it wasn't working; and why, must everyone ask? Because as beautiful as those words were, as great as the message of the song was, they weren't directed at her; they hadn't been dedicated to her, they hadn't been thought for her. Nothing was ever thought about her, was it?

No, of course not; who was she to have anything written about her? No one.

That's right, no one.

«That's just all I am, momma, isn't it? As much as they say, how can I believe them? I can't... As much as I try, I can't, because they're all lying. Lies, after lies, after lies. There's always someone better, someone stronger, someone prettier, someone who's more fit to be their friend, their lover, their whatever it is. I'm just stupid little old me. I'm no one» she typed out, anger and sadness washing over her words as she wrote them, furiously. «I might have pretty words, but they mean nothing. I mean nothing. I am nothing.»

By now, the tears were uncontrollable; she couldn't hold it in, not after last night. It had been too much, too beautiful; the dream had been too perfect. And now, here she was, stuck in the real world with barely anything to hold on to. Barely anything that made her want to stay; in fact, she didn't want to stay... she was just too tired to give up.

She wasn't capable of getting up and going after what she wanted; her brother was right. She would never be able to deal living in a world on her own; she would never be able to follow her dreams; she would never be able to prove to everyone that she was better than they thought.

«Worthless, right? That's the word they use for people like me» she wrote, her bottom lip trembling as more tears fell through. «I'm so worthless, I write about myself in the third person, because I can't even face myself. Funny. I can't face myself; I'm pathetic.»

It was all coming back, to her; she remembered the last time she'd felt like this. The state she'd left people in. The way her chest had crushed when she wasn't brave enough to go through with it.

All because of a dream. A dream she wished, more than anything, was true. All because of a stupid dream about a stupid boy she shouldn't even care about, anymore. All because her classmates thought it to be funny to joke about suicide. All because of everything.

«I'm slipping again, momma» she wrote, sniffing as she couldn't breath. «It's like Lewis forgetting about me was the last thread, and I can't back together. It's so hard, pretending. It's harder than before, and I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel anything at all. I don't want to... I don't want to live anymore.»

Crying, she let out her sobs, trying to even her breathing; she was going to do it again, wasn't she? It was inevitable, there was no way to stop this. It was a circle, it seemes; just a stupid circle she couldn't seem to abandon.

«Abandon... that's what I've been, abandoned. All my life. Intentionally, or unintentionally, that's all that happened to me. It's gotten to the point in which I abandoned myself. And no one can see that; no. Up until the moment they read these words, they can't see just how broken I really am. But that's my fault too; I shouldn't lie so much» she typed, shaking her head as the tears fell through. «And I can't come clean about this, I'm not brave enough. I'll just make another cut, deeper and deeper, until I'm out of here. No one can see. They can't see just how bad I feel, and it drives me crazy. Maybe I'm crazy already... Yeah, that's probably it.»

The girl sniffed again, this time writing slowly, the tears stopping her from seeing right; she knew her make-up would be smeared, but it wasn't as if she cared. She didn't want to care, she didn't want to feel, she didn't want to be.

«I'm so done. Why won't people let me go? Do they enjoy me suffer? Is it fun to watch me fall apart?» She questioned herself, closing her eyes for a second. «Oh, wait, they can't see how bad I really am feeling... That's why they keep me around. They simply don't know the truth. Funny how that's my fault. It's all my fault.»

Sighing gently, the girl cleaned her tears; she didn't deserve to cry, to smile, to do anything. She didn't deserve.

«Momma, come on, I think my time's here... Come get me.»

Lie cold in the ground like you.

Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly.

Starting over. That's the girl's new goal - she needs to start everything over. Her emotions need to disappear, so she can reset them in the way she likes. Her tears need to fade. Her heart needs to stop beating, so that she can bring it back to life on her own.

Relying on anyone else has been proved to be pointless; with the exception of her few friends and her favourite band, everybody else has let her down. The people she has ever fallen in love with, the guy she considered her closest friend for so long, her siblings, and even herself. She'd been let down one too many times, so she needed to start over. There was just a huge obstacle in the way - she didn't know how to.
To her, everything was confusing, and it never made sense when the upmost caring words were said towards her; she always feared they'd be lies. However, she'd chosen to believe them, and that's why she was so broken, these days.
Still, she couldn't simply stop trusting others' words; not everyone is the same, so what could possible tell her that they'd hurt her, like others did? How could she figure it out, before she some tore through her insides?
She couldn't.
«It's not that I don't want to move on, you know? But what if I do, and then you come back? What if the only reason you've been away, all this time, is because you had a problem? I don't wanna be the bitch who abandons you when you weren't able to warn me about anything» she types, a sigh escaping her lips as she does so. «At the same time, though, I'm making myself miserable... Sittin' around, waiting for you to give me any sign you're alive, constantly looking at the words we exchanged and simply missing you, wishing we could still say those words, maybe even new ones that would have me head over heels for you... I just...» She couldn't write it, then; if she wrote those words down, it'd become even more real, it'd crash herself even harder.
«I'm sorry... I'm sorry I'm going to try to move on, darling. You were amazing to me, you made me smile like I hadn't smiled in a long time, you made me feel so worthy... But I have to do this. I can't... I can't keep crawling in the dirt. Maybe, someday, you'll come back and we'll be able to build up something, from that point on; but, right now, I need to let you go.»
She closed her eyes and clenched her jaw, at this point; the emotions were overwhelming, and the tears were at bay; why was it so hard to let go?
«I'm glad I still have my friends... I'm going to need them, like I always do. I feel so bad for making them deal with all my problems, but I need it, to understand myself; to get over them, myself. Just... I loved you, okay? It seems crazy, but I can fall so easily, and you had me on the floor from almost the first time we talked, and it's sad for me to let you go, but I have to.»
As the tears got even closer to falling, the girl closed her eyes, pulling her lips apart as a particular song got in her head; it was perfect for this situation, it seemed, and, with a shaky voice, she started singing it.
Goodbye, my almost lover.
Goodbye, my hopeless dream.
I'm trying not to think about you,
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance.
My back is turned on you.
Should've known you'd bring me heartache,
Almost lovers always do.
She shut up after that, with her throat constricted and her hands shaking; she couldn't bear all of this, it was all too damn much. 
«It's time to start over» she told herself, clearing her throat; starting over meant forget about him, and she couldn't do it if she kept writing to him.
Sighing when she realised that, she closed her eyes, again, and leant her head against the wall, fighting the tears, still; this was so hard.... Why was it so hard.
«Momma... I'm letting him go, momma, and it hurts... Please, look out for me from up there?»

We're gonna work it out.

Please keep chasing me.

Bad - that's the only word that could describe the girl's day, although it wasn't even strong enough to portray just how bad it had been. After the night before's events, she had a rough time falling asleep, and, when she did, it was only for two hours; and even those two hours were tormeting, since she'd dreamt of the mess that had taken place.
She slept for two hours, in total, and it didn't make for a very happy Danny, for sure; she had woken up at five am, for absolutely no reason, and been in bed, staring into her's sister's bunk, just thinking. Thinking of how she'd gotten herself into such deep feelings, already, that had her crying like she had. Thinking about what he could be doing, if he had talked to the other girl, how things were. Thinking about the future, thinking about the past, just thinking.
When she'd gotten up, it was three in the afternoon; she'd been awake for ten hours, but there was no way she was going back to sleep. She'd gone to the kitchen to eat, but just the smell of food was making her stomach churn in displeasure, so she didn't even try to eat anything; she'd simply gotten a glass of milk, and even that was messing up on her insides.
She wanted to cry; her breath was erratic, and she wanted to scream out in frustration, in jealousy, but she knew she couldn't. Although she was home alone, if she let out anything, she'd break down; and that, that would be really bad.
All morning, she'd been wondering if she should just break the promise she'd kept to the boy; it didn't seem to matter, anymore. She didn't do it, though; he said he wanted to fix things, to fix them, so she was giving him a chance to do it. She still believed in him, she still hoped things could turn out for the best.
«I don't know how things ended up like this... One night, everything was alright, I was happy out of my mind because I thought I had you, and the next night I was a completely mess, because you belonged to someone else...» She types, the tears once again at bay as she thought back to the state she'd been in, the night before.
«I don't think I'd realized just how strong my feelings were until that moment; I thought it was just... liking you, I guess, and liking the idea of having something with you. But, oh God, when I saw those things on your twitter, I... I don't know, it's like everything inside of me was meaningless, like nothing ever mattered anymore. And then you explained everything, and, although I was still crying, there was some hope...» She sighs as she writes this, bitting her bottom lip gently. «And I believed you when you said you wanted to fix us, because you sounded so genuine, so... hurt... I don't want you hurt, though. Far from it, actually...» She takes a deep breath, gathering her thoughts, and then continues.
«I started to regret ever telling you to speak to her about everything, because she's your best friend and I'm afraid it'll ruin your friendship, and I don't want that for you... but I feel so selfish, when it comes to you, that's it's scaring me... I feel so jealous of the other girls who get to speak to you, and I know I shouldn't, but God, I can't control it... And when you said you were facetiming her... I might've felt a tad bit envious, because I wish you could facetime me, instead of anyone else.»
Looking away from her laptop, the girl isn't quite sure about how to write down her feelings; she's confused, scared, but her heart truly beats for him, and she wants to let him know. «I... that sounded so posessive, but it's what I felt, Lewis... I like you. I really do, and I don't know what to do with this; I want to tell you everything, but I'm so afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of, even... Being replaced? Being forgotten? I don't know...» She sighs softly, closing her eyes for a second.
«Have you ever felt a burning need to just... catch a plane, and go somewhere? Let's say... have you ever felt the need to catch a plane to see the person you care about the most, it seems?» She types down, her bottom lip being once again vandalized by her teeth. «I have... Every morning I wake up wishing I could just fly to you, to be in your arms, to smile with you... And, yesterday, when I cried, I wanted you to hold me, to comfort me, even if I was crying because of you... I don't know how to process this, but I think... I think...»

I think I'm falling in love with you, if I'm not already.

But I'll never let you freeze without me.

The girl had had a rough start, to this day. Having only slept for two hours and a half, for a reason unknown to her, she hadn't been in a good mood; she had been cranky, tired, and overall exhausted and frustrated.
The fact she hadn't talked to the boy who had made everything better for her hadn't really helped; it all twirled around inside of the girl, the frustration turning into paranoia as she wondered if he'd forgotten about her, if he had found out the truth about her being disposable, about her being too much of a burden to bear.
When he'd talked to her, though, it all changed; suddenly, everything was right, in its due place, and the frustration and tiredness faded, giving space to a feeling of happiness that she knew was what she needed to keep up with her promise.
Along with that happiness, though, came a feeling of inspiration, and she ended up writing a song.
She'd been asked to write a love song for a friend, that the other girl was going to use in her story, but she hadn't felt any words coming out; as she spoke to Lewis, though, it seemed that the words were only waiting for him to appear so that they could free themselves.
He, he had been her inspiration for the song. He had been the one she'd pictured singing it to, he had been the one on her mind as she wrote the scenes desired by her heart. He had been her muse.

«I wanna walk with you by the shore,

Feel the waves crash at our feet.

Put a big smile on your face,

Whenever our eyes meet.

From the words that we exchanged,

I can see the depth of you.

Some may tell me I’m deranged,

But I know my feelings are true.

And I see you in the distance,

‘Cause I can’t get any close.

And I wanna make a difference,

Bring you petals of a rose.

At times I find myself wondering,

How the hell we ended here.

With you being the perfect match

That I thought would never appear.

I know it hasn’t been a long time,

And maybe I barely know you,

But I’m willing to take a large chance

And be all you that need me to.

And I see you in the distance,

‘Cause I can’t get any close.

And I wanna make a difference,

Bring you petals of a rose.

Be the one who makes you smile,

Brings nice words out of your lips;

Bring the happiness to your eyes,

Be the one that your heart keeps.

Call me crazy, I don’t mind

Call me stupid, foolish, blind,

But, at the end of time,

I’ll be the one to call you mine.

And I see you in the distance,

‘Cause I can’t get any close.

And I wanna make a difference,

Bring you petals of a rose.

Be the one who makes you smile,

Brings nice words out of your lips;

Bring the happiness to your eyes,

Be the one that your heart keeps.»

I'll be your shelter, I'll be your storm.

 Three more days, she thought; she wasn't quite sure when he was going to go back home, but it was soon, she reckoned. She sighed softly, thinking about it; these past ten days had been hard.
The first day, she hadn't ever stopped thinking about him, smiling because of his words - «I just want you to know that I'll be your reason to live, I'll love you, i'll do all those things just please, please don't leave me, please don't hurt yourself, you're perfect.» -, and it had been easy, although she missed him already. At night, she'd had a bump in the way, but she just kept remembering what he'd said, and it all had vanished.
From that day on, though, it started getting harder.
The words, they could only take her so long, and as the days dragged on, she started missing him even more; she thought it was stupid to miss him like that, but she knew she could get tangled in someone really quickly. He had been the bestest of the best, for her, and she couldn't stop thinking about it, about him, and it had her wishing that she could see him, or maybe just talk to him, already.
More days went by, and everything started going down; on top of missing her parents, she missed him, and it was taking a toll on her. It was hard, having to deal with those emotions, and many times she wished to take the easiest way out; she only didn't because of the promise she'd made him.
It had been ten days since they'd last spoken, and she'd dreamt of him for seven nights. They were good dreams, cute dreams that eased her spirits, and many would feel worse in the morning, because it wasn't real, but, to the girl, they were calming; if she couldn't be with him in reality, at least she could be in his arms in his dreams.
Sighing, she sighed as she swayed softly in her chair in the rhythm to the song she was listening to; she loved this song, and, basically, she wanted to dedicate it to him, but it was probably too soon. He had probably forgotten about her, she feared.
Twenty days ago, she had been in the gutter because of someone who'd ripped her heart apart; after those days went by, she was mildly happy, knowing that someone liked her for who she was, but she was still fearful. The last person she'd loved had completely forgotten about her, and she feared it would happen again.
«I'm being silly again, aren't I?» She wrote, chuckling drily at her laptop screen, mouthing the lyrics to the song on the background. «You told me you wouldn't forget about me, and I believe you, but I can't help but fear; I hope you understand» she typed, smiling softly. «I keep dreaming of you, dear; each dream is different, but I feel so happy, in them... I want them to be real» she stated, sighing in happiness; she really liked him. «Oh, the other day my friend told me she thought you were online, I was so excited... I was pretty sad when it turned out to be a false alarm, you have no idea; when I got home, I kept sighing... I really miss you.»
She shook her head softly, letting another smile fill her face as she thought: "three more days, I can do this", and then looked back at her laptop screen. «I want to talk to you so bad, yet I don't know what I want to say... Aren't I crazy?» She wrote, laughing softly. «I hope everything is going right, for you. I miss you.»

Baby, I will be your everything.

If I were you, I'd put that away; see, you're just wasting in... 

Today was good, the girl pondered, a small smile on her face; she had woken up late, after another dream of him. In fact, she had had two dreams, since she'd woken in the middle of the night.
The first one had been about one of her idols - Alex Gaskarth - and her talking online, and him telling her that she was worth her own life, that she had been the one to save herself; «you kept your chin up, and your head held firmly», those were his words.
The second dream, it had been about him, again; they were cuddling, watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and as «the ones that love us never really leave us» came on, he just held her tighter, her tears undeniably falling through her cheeks; whenever she watched that movie, Sirius' words always had the same effect on her.
The rest of the dream had been blurry, just him soothing her, she guessed, and then it all faded to black.
After waking up, her day went by quickly; she spent some more quality time with two of her best friends, then went back home, and spent time with her older brother and with her family, because, well, it was his birthday.
When night came, she let go of everything, again.
She could feel tears begging to fall off her eyes, her heart tugging, as she watched one of the trending topics on twitter, and she instantly bit her bottom lip; "#FelizDiaDosPais", or, in English, Happy Fathers' Day, had been there, as if taunting her, mocking her.
She had been quick to close twitter, but not before letting herself read through the words the boy she liked had said to her, the day before, hoping it'd soothe her; it really did, but she wanted to be able to talk to him... When she started feeling bad, he had been the person she wanted to talk to, the person she wanted to be comforted by, and it had been a little scary at first, since she had her best friends who she trusted and knew would be able to reply, but he had been the one to pop into her mind.
«I guess I miss you already, uh?» She typed, letting a soft chuckle escaping her lips, before she continued. «It's been one day, and I've thought about you non-stop; I caught myself smiling a lot, today, when I remembered what you'd said, I'm just glad no one noticed the difference in me» she continued, smiling once again. «I really wish you were here, and that you'd hold me as I went to bed, because I feel really low right now» she confessed, the smile disappearing from her face as she sighed.
«I just... you don't know the reason behind this, but I really don't want you to know from a text I wrote; I want to be able to tell you myself, so I guess I'll fill you in on what's going on in my life, what's happened in my past, that it made me so... depressed. I just want you to know, just thinking of you makes me feel better, and it actually soothes me to know you might be thinking of me right now» she let the smile come back to her lips with this, looking at the clock and chuckling. «It's almost six am, and I'm being sappy and lame... Usual, usual» she wrote, shaking her head.
«I hope I dream of you again, today; it makes my days better. I hope you're sleeping well, and that everything's alright with you. I miss you already.»

... thinking about the past again. Darling you'll be okay.